When I met you I knew I would need to make room for you.
There was no place for excess baggage or things frivolous in nature.
When I met you I knew I would have to be better than I was to match you.
For you were no small thing, no brief encounter, and no short-term affair.
I would have to elevate myself to have you in my life. To have you be mine I would need to be better than what I was before you. I would need to sort myself out to be the person you needed in your life.
Last Week
On Monday, October 16 Monica caught a cold. She was busy with family events all day Sunday. Being a working mom at eight months pregnant was no small task. We took Julian to his first day at his new school. The process of getting him registered was a hassle, but a hassle that Monica took in stride. She's highly capable, organized and conscientious. I'm not any of those things by nature but I try to be supportive, do what I'm told and try to not get in the way.
We just moved into our new home on October 1st. We are in a better living situation but the move was stressful. Monica had to suppress her intense nesting instincts while we were trying to move our entire lives into a new home. It was hard on the three of us, but we all made it through a hellish September.
Monica was planning on working all the way until her scheduled C section on November 21st. We knew that it was going to be hard for her the further along she got but she was and is a trooper.
By Tuesday she was full on sick, sniffling into tissues and bleary-eyed. I told her to take the day off and get some rest but she assured me she'd be fine and was only going to work a few hours that day.
On Wednesday she had a Dr.'s appointment for the baby. I sometimes go with her but since we moved further away it was not practical.
She gave me a call in the early afternoon to tell me that she was not coming home. Her OBGYN was not going to mess around with her blood pressure. I had to get off work early to pick Julian up at the YMCA near our new home.
Things were not going according to plan. The baby's actual due date was November 28th and we were already taking him out a week early. Now I was beginning to worry.
On Thursday I went to visit her at the hospital. She said that she felt fine physically but her blood pressure was not going down significantly enough to release her. She was going to have to stay.
I asked her doctor what the best case scenario was for her to come home. The doctor said that she's not going home until she delivers. Monica had gestational hypertension, a bad sign for both mom and the baby.
My heart dropped and Monica's blood pressure went up. Monica's birthday was the next day.
Friday, October 20, 2017
I explained to Julian that it was going to be just me and him for a while until mommy got better. We sang Monica a Happy Birthday duet that morning.
I was emotionally exhausted at this point. Julian and I both missed Monica so badly. She in many ways is the glue that holds our family together. We wanted her home and she wanted to be home.
The plan was to pick Julian up after he got out of school at 2 PM, go visit mommy at the hospital and then drop him off at my parent's place for the weekend. We were going to take things day by day.
Once Julian and I got to the hospital her sister was there. Thankfully, Melissa was going to be with her on her birthday to keep her company. Julian gave his mom all the hugs he could muster. She loved seeing him. It seemed likely that if her blood pressure stayed high that we might have the C section sooner than expected, we just didn't know when.
On my way out around 5 PM, I passed by the nurse's station. Her doctor was there and we spoke.
She said casually, "We're probably going to take the baby out today."
My eyes popped out of my head, "TODAY?"
"Yeah, her blood pressure's too high. She may have a stroke if we go much longer. The baby will be fine. By the way, don't tell her. I'll go talk to her later."
OKAY THEN.
I kept walking to my truck with the weight of all this new information on my shoulders. I told Julian, "Do you want to see your brother soon?" He said "yeah..." not really understanding what I meant by soon.
I drove to my parent's house patiently in Friday traffic trying to not get too excited. I was finally going to see him. He's coming tonight. I fought the urge to call Monica or anyone else to tell them the news.
After an eternity I got to my parent's house. Melissa called me the moment I arrived, "The doctor told us what you already knew, they're operating at 9 PM. Come right back." 10-4.
I went inside the house to tell my parents the news. I turned right around to get back to my truck. Melissa called again, "They want to go earlier if they can, they'll wait for you." loud and clear.
I drove back to the hospital and make sure not to drive like a maniac. I arrived at her room with nurses all around Monica. Monica was clearly nervous so I did my job. I comforted her and told her that we'll be just fine we are in the best hands possible. Everything was going to be alright.
Just like 5 years ago I put on the scrubs and waited for them to bring me in. This is it. I have one job, to be there for Monica. To be her support and reassure her. Monica and the doctors would do the rest.
Here we go.
His cry was strong, he had lungs already.
My baby boy. I cut the cord and came back to earth.
The nursing staff showed Monica the baby briefly and I followed Ethan out to the NICU. They ran their usual tests and Ethan was just fine for being over a month early. Six pounds, 19 inches long. They gave him oxygen and hooked up a little IV to regulate his blood sugar. He was grumpy due to the early eviction, but all things considered he was doing great.
Monica was doing fine as well. Almost immediately her blood pressure was returning to normal levels and she was ready to get some much-needed sleep. I spent the night next to her on the fold out couch and helped her feel as comfortable as she could given the circumstances.
Happy Birthday, Monica and Ethan
Monica, you are sunshine, stars, and light to me. Being without you this last week showed me how much you mean to me. I was so worried about you. This place I sit is merely a house without you. You make it a home. I know I could have made these last few weeks easier for you somehow. I feel a bit of guilt for not doing more to ease your tension. I know you don't want me to blame myself, but I just can't help it.
I want you home so badly I can hardly stand it. I love you.
Ethan, all I can say is that I feel much about meeting you as I did when I met your mother, who so happens to be one of the best people I ever met.
When I met you I knew I would need to make room for you.
There was no place for excess baggage or things frivolous in nature.
When I met you I knew I would have to be better than I was to match you.
For you were no small thing, no brief encounter, and no short-term affair.
I would have to elevate myself to have you in my life. To have you be mine I would need to be better than what I was before you. I would need to sort myself out to be the person you needed in your life.
I love you son. I believe that fatherhood is a noble endeavor and you have made me a father for a second time. I am lucky to have you and you are lucky to come into this world with a mother like yours and big brother like Julian to protect you. I would like to think that you would one day feel lucky to have me for a father. I am willing to make it my life's work to make that happen.
You are a miracle to me.
-Love
Your Father